


Of Sweets and Succulents

by Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alphonse is obnoxious, Comedy, Cooking, Ed actually being happy, Fourth-wall breaks, Gen, Narrator commenting, Sibling Fluff, nothing serious here, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:08:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24222571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains/pseuds/Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains
Summary: “You ate another one of the cookies, didn’t you?,”  Al asked pointedly, grinning slightly.Ed visits Al to see his brother's latest "project," and is not prepared for what said project is.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Of Sweets and Succulents

**Author's Note:**

> My attempt at a fluffy FMA fic that explores the relationship between the Elric brothers at some point post-canon, rather than one of the couples. Be prepared for ridiculous humor and siblings quarreling like only siblings can. Also, my head canon of Ed is highly overdramatic. You have been warned!

Ed scratched his temple absentmindedly as he looked out the window, waiting for his brother’s return, which was taking far longer than he had expected it to take.He looked back to the plate in front of him, and the strange pile of concoctions that were on it.Apparently, they were some type of cookie, but they didn’t resemble any confection with which he was familiar.They had a vaguely oval shape to them, with a raised dome in the center that made them somewhat resemble eyeballs with the irises popping out. _Okay, so that might be a bit too gruesome of a metaphor . . ._ The point still stood.They were an off-orange in color, which was frankly the most perplexing part of the “sweet.”Ed wasn’t exactly sure what his brother had done to get the distinctive hue.He also wasn’t sure if he wanted to ask. _Actually, no, I’m sure I don’t want to ask. I'm a lot better off not knowing what he put in there._ From what Al had said when he presented Ed with the platter full of the bite-sized monstrosities, they were based on a recipe Al had picked up during one of his diplomatic trips.Ed had learned, several years ago now, to approach any recipe Al learned on one of these trips with a grain of caution.Sometimes the resulting dishes were pretty decent.Sometimes they were passable.And sometimes they were this.Based the one “cookie” Ed had eaten under scrutiny from his brother, secretly squirming inside, Ed had come to the conclusion that this particular culinary creation tasted about as good as it looked. _At least the aftertaste faded fast_. _If it had lasted any longer, I might have needed to excuse myself to go wrench it out of my stomach._

All things considered, Ed was glad that Winry and he didn’t eat with Al and Mei more often.He felt a little sorry for Mei, who somehow endured all of Al’s cooking endeavors, both delicious and questionable.Especially considering, that at least from what Ed had tasted, Mei was a much better and consistent cook than his brother.Then again, he really couldn’t hold it against Al.Not having taste buds for the better part of a decade resulted in Al developing some unusual preferences when he finally regained his ability to enjoy food.Which in turn led to him genuinely enjoying some of the more creative dishes that his family did their best to “enjoy.”

Creative was a good word to describe Al.Ed had to give him that much.His brother was a man of many pursuits, all of which he applied himself to with gusto.Ed was more than a little jealous about his brother’s ability to fit so much, well, living, into his life. _To be fair though, he also doesn’t have a small child.That definitely takes priority over everything else once it happens.Although . . . who knows.Al and Mei might never have kids.Although . . . there was a point where I never thought I’d have a son.Soooo_.Ed found himself smiling at his own thoughts.Fatherhood had been an admittedly new, and sometimes frightening, experience for him.At the same time though, everyday of it, no matter how stressful and crazy it got, was amazing in its own, unique way.In short, Ed was probably the happiest he’d ever been.Not that he was about to admit that fussing over a toddler, okay, not just any toddler, specifically his son, made him feel warm and fuzzy things.Warm and fuzzy and Edward Elric did not belong in the same sentence.Well, not until a couple of years ago anyway.Change was strange like that. _It can flip your expectations for your life all the way around, and make you wonder how you ended up here, because you certainly never thought this would be where you landed.At the same time, it can make your heart overflow to the point where you don’t really feel like complaining about how weird it is, because everything’s too damn wonderful for it to matter._

Riding this wave of sentimentality, Ed decided to take a risk and hazard another one of Al’s confectionary compositions.He popped the delicacy into his mouth optimistically. _Maybe the second one won’t be so bad.Maybe I was just unprepared for the first one.Now that I’ve experienced it once, I’ll be better acclimated to its exotic flavor and prepared to enjoy the subtle notes of spice within it—NO, NO, NO, what have I done?This is even worse than the first one!I’m pretty sure it’s physically assaulting my tongue!My entire mouth wants to curl up in a ball and die!My gums are shriveling up by the second!My teeth are going to disintegrate if I keep it in my mouth any longer!But if I swallow it, I’ve spelled certain death for my poor digestive system!It doesn’t deserve such a cruel, unusual fate!The horror consumes me!_ It was possible, just slightly possible, that Ed was being a tad bit overdramatic.Just a tad bit.

Knowing that forcing the egregiously odious crisp down his throat was an option too repugnant to even consider for the slimmest of seconds—his words, not the narrator’s—Ed launched himself out of his chair and dived full throttle for the waste basket by the backdoor, collapsing to floor by it in an undignified heap—(these theatrics are getting a little insufferable)—and retching furiously, expelling the agent of malicious malevolence from his unsuspecting orifice (“Malicious malevolence?”That’s what we’re going with?The narrator is unimpressed, and will continue to refer to himself in the third person, even in his direct asides to the reader).As Ed was crumpled into an ignominious heap— ejecting the contents of his mouth, and perhaps a portion of his lungs as well, based on the intensity of his coughs, into the waste basket—the door above him opened.“Brother, are you okay?”A concerned hand gripped his shoulder, but he shook it off, raising his hand to push his would-be rescuer away.

“I’ll make it Al,” he gagged out, still trying to free his mouth from the vice grip of the beastly baked good.“I stared death in the eye . . . and I lived to tell the tale.It’ll be one . . . for the history books.”With all of the strength left to him after his near-fatal consumption, he hooked his hand onto the counter and hauled himself to his feet.Al was standing by, watching him with considerable concern.

“Brother,” he asked anxiously, “What did you do?”

Ed’s face, which was already flushed from his culinary combat, turned an even deeper shade of crimson, the bloody vessels dilating to near-bursting capacity (Is that supposed to be poetic?Because it’s not).He shrugged, an attempt at nonchalance.“Al, some deeds are better left to the mystery of the past, sequestered away beyond the eyes of prying humankind.We are not meant to know all the secrets of the universe.Let it suffice to say, that I have found enlightenment from the world beyond.”

Al raised an eyebrow, unimpressed by his brother’s pitiful try at a dramatic monologue.“You ate another one of the cookies, didn’t you?,”He asked pointedly, grinning slightly.

Ed waved his hand dismissively, disregarding the question.“That’s a silly question.Why would eating one of the cookies bring me face to face with the demon of death itself?”He chuckled nervously, rubbing the nape of his neck with his hand.

“Well, for one, you’re a terrible liar brother.Which is actually a little bizarre, because you’re dramatjc enough that you could probably be a great one.And in addition to that, those cookies are one of the nastiest things I’ve ever tasted.I honestly couldn’t believe you ate one with a straight face.I thought for sure you were going to be sick.”

Ed’s eyes grew wide, his features seized with a righteous fury (A bit of an exaggeration), that he imagined made him look terrifying, but externally only made him look absurdly comically.“You let me eat that devilish confection?!!,”He exclaimed at an explosive volume.“Knowing that I could have died?!!!You’d let your own brother, after all we’ve been through, face the fires of hell itself, at the mercy of a merciless baked plague?!!Alphonse, how could you?!!!”

Al watched the entirety of this tantrum, his mind dying of laughter, but nonetheless trying to maintain a straight face and suppress the torrent of laughter that threatened to pour forth from his lips.At that moment, Ed resembled nothing more than a highly offended cat protesting the fact that it had been forced to take a bath.It was, in two words, comedy gold.

His face swollen and pulsating from his bombastic accusations, Ed deflated against the counter and tried to catch his breath, sucking in copious quantities of air in great gasping gulps (Exercising excessive alliteration to the extent it’s illiterate idiocy much?Oh great, now the narrator is meandering in mindless meter as well.Moving on!).He glared at Al, trying to avoid bursting into laughter himself.Al broke first, collapsing into a relentless fit of giggles that forced him to prop himself against the counter alongside his brother, if only to avoid sliding to the floor, reduced to a thrashing fit of guffawing by the utter inanity of it all.Ed of course lost it altogether once his brother broke, dissolving into a fit of unrestrained chortling.Unable to stay firm even against the counter due to how much his body was shaking from the hooting, he slid down onto the floor and shook about in a mirthful heap.“Stoppp,” he protested weakly in between bouts of laughter.“I — can’t — breathe — dammit.”

After a lengthy period of unbroken hysterics, and an even longer period of refilling their lungs with air, Al offered a hand to Ed, who accepted it, and was pulled back up to his feet.He shook his head in mock disappointment as he regarded his brother.“So you’re telling me, you knew all along that those things —“ he pointed accusingly toward the plate of sweets “Were terrible?And you just wanted to see how I would react?”

Smiling broadly, and more than a little mischievously, Al nodded.“Yep, couldn’t have said it better myself.”

“You’re a monster!,” Ed proclaimed in faux indignation.

“Right again,” Al said with a brief chuckle.

Ed shifted his point to Al.“Hey, don’t you start again.I just got off the floor.”

Al held up his hands.“My apologies brother.Wouldn’t want to floor you again.”

“Uh huh.Sure.I believe that.”Ed scratched his chin thoughtfully.“Hmmm . . . wait a minute.If you’re telling me you know your food was terrible this time . . . does that mean . . .”He fixed his brother with an aghast stare, looking positively horrified.“You’ve known everytime, haven’t you!”

Al shrugged, and looked away, biting his lips to keep from grinning any wider than he already was.“I plead the fifth,” he mumbled out unconvincingly.He then snapped his head back, his lips pursed deviously, apparently giving up on his ruse of innocence.“Though I do have to say brother, it’s amazing the lengths you’ll go to just to act like you like my cooking.Remember that curry I made that one time?You only had five servings to prove to me you liked it, because I said I was ‘dubious,’ after you started sweating during the first plate.I’m pretty sure you didn’t sleep that entire night.Winry told me all about it later.”

Ed’s look of astonishment and feigned alarm grew even more cartoonish in its severity.“You are a monster!Of the worst variety!You mean Winry’s in on this whole thing too?”

Al turned away again, and strolled over to the table.“Hey now, I’m not about to reveal all my secrets at once.As you said yourself, we’re not meant to know all the secrets of the universe.It might be too much knowledge for you to comprehend.I don’t want your head to explode or something.Who knows what could happen.”

Ed shook his head in simulated sorrow.“Betrayed by those I thought loved me the most.Damn, I never thought I’d see the day.Well, that’s the last time I’m eating your cooking again, that’s much is for sure.”

Al cocked his head and considered Ed with an expression that was as cocky as it was knowing.“Really?Hmm, I’m going to disagree with you there.You’ll eat it again, because you’re so stubborn that even if you know it’s going to be painful, you’ll want to prove to me that you can stand it.Tell me I’m wrong.”

Ed’s eyes narrowed.“You know, I really hate to let you have this one, but I can’t argue with that.So you win, for now.”

Al pumped his fist triumphantly.“Ha ha!Victory is mine once again!”

“Yeah, yeah, rub it in why don’t you?”Ed rolled his eyes.

“Hey, I’ll have you know, I don’t actually think all of the food I have you try is terrible.Some of it’s actually pretty good.I just think you have a weak palate.You haven’t experience the culinary wonders of distant realms like I have!”He waved his hand emphatically through the air, as though painting an image of one such ‘distant realm.’

Ed dropped back down into his seat.“You know, I can’t tell if you’re being serious now, or just mocking me some more.”

“I mean, why have one or the other when I can do both?”

“You know, I should have expected that.”

Al smiled, this time with more kindness than amusement.“You know Ed, I think you’re getting soft now that you’re a dad.Back when we were younger, I’m pretty sure this would have ended in us chasing each other in laps around the around, trying to strangle each other.Out of brotherly love, of course.Violent brotherly love.”

Ed didn’t even attempt to contest this observation with any seriousness, only proving Al’s point further.“Yeah, well, just wait until you have a kid,” he countered lamely, without any real bite behind it.“Anyway, what was it you were getting to show to me, back before I almost died, thanks to your fabulous baking skills?”

Al didn’t try out any more snarky jabs, instead answering his brother’s question.“Oh, I wanted to show you these.”He walked back over to the counter, and retrieved a tray Ed figured he must have set down earlier.He set the tray before Ed, who surveyed it with a healthy degree of confusion.In the tray were four mid-sized pots, each one containing a small plant that looked as though it had just begun its development.

“Al, what exactly am I looking at here?”

“Well Ed, I’m so glad you ask that question.These are my succulents.”

Ed looked at his brother incredulously.“Your suck-u-what now?”

Al crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.“My succulents brother.”

“Al, that literally explained nothing.You just said the same suck-u-thing you said the first time around.”

“Because that’s what they are.”

“Okay, so I’m just going to call them sucky-plants, how ‘bout that?”

“How ‘bout no?”

“I think it’s really catchy.You never know, it might catch on.Sucky-plants.It has a real ring to it.Put it on a poster, maybe a sign.Could be a whole gardening business.That specializes in . . . whatever these sucky-plants are.”He pointed to the potted succulents.

“Brother, no.I’m not opening a gardening business called sucky-plants.Remind me to tell Winry to never let you try to start up a business venture of any kind.The world is not ready for Edward Elric, entrepreneur.”

“Hey!,”Ed argued, “I do a fine job running the automail shop with Winry!Who’s to say I’m not a good businessman!”

“Sure, you do a fine job at that, but it also wasn’t your idea, and it’s also not really your business.You’re just one of the people who helps run it.That’s why it’s not an unmitigated train wreck.If you want, we can get some second opinions on this.”

“You know what?Nevermind.”

Al eyebrows bounced humorously.“That’s what I thought.”

“Alright, so fine.They’re succulents, not sucky-plants.What’s a succulent?”

“Now that, I can tell you.They’re a type of plant that holds a lot of water.Lots of different varieties of them grow in the great desert, and over in parts of Xing too.”

“Okkaayyy . . . but if they grow over in the desert, why do you have a bunch here?”

“Because they’re easy and fun to take care of,” Al answered matter-of-factly.“And because they look interesting.”

“How can a plant be fun to take care of?It’s a potted plant.It’s not getting up and putting on a show for you or something.It’s not like a dog, where you can teach it tricks.Or a cat where you can . . . actually, I’m not sure what you do to play with a cat without getting murdered.But my point still stands.They’re plants, not pets.”He examined the plants more closely.He wasn’t sure what his brother meant by saying they looked interesting, but one of them was purple, which he supposed was something out of the ordinary.Ed didn’t quite have what could be called a green thumb.In fact, he had quite the opposite.The last time he had attempted to grow anything, an unfortunate flower patch for Winry, it had ended with a mound of drowned flowers.Apparently there was such a thing as excessive amounts of watering.Who knew?Obviously not Ed.The end result of Ed’s ill luck with flora of various sorts, however, was that in general, he tended to ignore plants.If he was being honest, he couldn’t recall a single instance where he had devoted significant time to thinking about plants since the “daisies tragedy” as Winry had comically christened said gardening debacle.

“Well, Ed, personally, I’d say they’re fun to take care of because they have personality,” Al replied confidently.“Also, unlike cats, they don’t try to attack you like miniature fuzzball assassins.Actually, that alone should be reason enough.”

Ed furrowed his brow, not quite grasping his brother’s response.“Hey, I thought you liked cats!I’m the one who thinks they’re a race of furry menaces that should be exiled from Amestris!And how can a plant have a personality?That makes even less sense than saying it can be ‘fun’ to take care of a plant.It’s not a sentient life form.It’s not contemplating the meaning of life in its head or something.It’s a plant.It basically just sits there, and does nothing.Maybe it looks kind of neat.That’s all.”

Al sighed.“You’re right, I do like cats, and your bias against them is both illogical and inhumane.But that’s beside the point.I was just using cats as an example of back up my stance.Forget about the cats.And concerning these plants’ personalities, where is your sense of imagination?Sure, they’re not going to get up and talk to you, but you can ascribe them characteristics based on what you think they would be like if they did.It’s a fun little creative project.”

“You know, I’m starting to feel very lost in all of this talk about characteristics and creativity in reference to succulents.Just saying.It’s a little outside of my wheelhouse.No offense Al.”

Al shrugged, not seeming particularly affronted by this statement.“It’s okay.It’s not your thing, that’s fine.I just figured I’d show you while you were here.Don’t worry, I’m not going to try to convert you to some sort of succulent-worshipping cult or something crazy like that.”

Ed nodded, his mood improved.“Good.Because I’m pretty sure if you joined some sort of succulent-worshipping cult, I would be forced to disown you and then challenge you to a duel to the death, if only to uphold the honor of our family.I will not let Raoul’s uncle be a madman who thinks succulents are physical representations of god.I don’t want to have to have that conversation.”

“Trust me, I understand,” Al responded, playing along with the joke.“But I have to disagree on one thing.You act like our family is honorable right now.That clearly can’t be true, because we’re both a part of it.Just saying.”

“Hey, no self-deprecating humor allowed here, however accurate it may be.And also, I’ll have you know that we are considered nothing short of heroes in this country.”

“Yeah, but since when does that ever mean you’re honorable?I’m pretty sure some people would call Roy Mustang a hero, and well . . .” He chuckled.

“Oooh, Mustang jokes, now those I can always get on board with.Upping your game I see Al.I’m behind you, one-hundred percent.”

Al moved over toward the counter to grab a drink.“You’re something else, you know that?And you give me a hard time for raising succulents.You want anything, by the way?It’s the least I can do, since I did try to poison you earlier.”

“Just water,” Ed replied with a grin.“I don’t think my stomach’s recovered enough for anything else.”He paused, before continuing, “And hey, what are brothers for, if not antagonizing each other to the point of hilarity?It keeps life interesting.”

“I’ll agree to that.”Al returned to the table with drinks and sat across from Ed.They were both silent for a little while, their minds elsewhere.

“Did I mention I named each of them?”

“Huh?”

“I named each of the succulents.”

“You named the succulents?”

“Yep.”

“Oh boy, do I even want to ask what?”

“Probably not, but I’m going to tell you anyway.”

“Yeah, I figured as much.”

Pointing to each of the potted plants in succession, Al rattled off their names, “This is Havoc, this is Fuery, this is Breda, and this is Falman.”

“You named them after Mustang’s crew?,” Ed asked, sounding skeptical.

“That I did.”

“At this point, I’m not even going to ask why.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

Ed took a sip from his glass.“Now I’m curious though.Why?”

Al shrugged casually.“Honestly?I don’t know.I was tired at the time, and those were some of the first names that came to mind that sounded like they’d work.I mean, I didn’t want succulents named Mustang and Hawkeye.Those would sound a little peculiar for a potted plant.”

“Oh, and Havoc makes perfect sense, huh?”

“Touché brother, touché.”Silence fell once more between them for a time.

“You know, when I came over here today, I was not expecting succulents.”

“Always expect the unexpected.If you don’t, you’ll end up eating toxic cookies,” Al stated, as though he was rattling off a traditional idiom.

“Hmm . . . speaking of toxic cookies, do you think I should take Winry one?She might want to try them,” Ed’s lips twisted into a naughty smirk.

Al’s eyebrows crept progressively higher and higher on his face as Ed spoke, until they were hovering roughly halfway up his forehead.“Brother, I’m going to ask you a philosophical question here.Which do you value more?Payback, or your ability to not be executed via wrench?”

“Well . . . revenge is sweet.Maybe not the sweetest thing, but on a scale of one to ten, I’d rate it a solid three or four on a good day.Which is moderately sweet.Then again, wrenches flying toward my face is not so sweet.On a scale of one to ten, I’d rate that somewhere in the mid-negatives.Either a minus-six or a minus-seven.So, when you put it that way.I guess . . . with just a hint of remorse . . . I’d have to go with the second option.”

“Good choice brother.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you survived this silliness, feel free to leave a comment. I always appreciate feedback!


End file.
